I have been in a somewhat low mood over the past few months…but it came to an all time low a couple of weeks back. I now realise that this downward spiral really kicked off after having the health inspector do the final check-over on Little Audrey’s. While listening to them pick out every flaw, ‘You’ve had a year to do this’, to my husband ‘She can’t be easy to live with’, ‘why are you making this so much more difficult than it needs to be?’, ‘You’re making cakes and candles?! Pick one, you can’t do all of this!’, ‘if you’re lucky enough to succeed with vegan cakes…’ oh my gosh…when they left I felt absolutely attacked and defeated, and shamed. And although Little Audrey’s had passed the inspection (signed off as READY TO GO!! Squeeee!) I didn’t feel like celebrating. I was still reeling. And no matter how much I tried to convince myself that this was just their way and it was absolutely nothing personal….I do not take criticism well. It hurts me a LOT. It’s something I now know that is often associated with ADHDER’s. Its called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). No amount of logic will change this. It’s just another form of emotional dysregulation (ED) an extremely common ADHD trait. It’s the way our brains are structured…And it sucks!
So I take all that is said, to heart. And it eats at me for way longer than most people think and feel is necessary. But I get anxious, and hurt, embarrassed, self conscious, and so incredibly ashamed. Then I just want to throw in the towel because now I’m overthinking every single word…and it’s all too much. So instead of getting excited…I am feeling drained, and lethargic, and just depressed. And I do all the self talk to get me out of it, but here I am almost 3 weeks later feeling upset that it’s still bothering me. Then I get ANGRY and fed up with myself for wallowing. It irritates the hell out of me, and it’s EXHAUSTING.
I’m tired of trying to pretend I have it all together. I’m tired of the overthinking, the people pleasing, the self doubt, the second guessing. I’m tired of the procrastinating, and all the unfinished projects, the self loathing, the depression. I’m tired of the body dysmorphia, the masking, the meltdowns, the harsh words that I let slip. I’m tired of the guilt, the indecisiveness, the paralysis. I’m tired of apologising, and losing EVERYTHING, I’m just tired of having ADHD. Most days I go to bed with a headache because it’s like the thoughts themselves create such chaos that it physically hurts. The fatigue is next level. And I’m always tired. Because regardless of how little I do in a day…my mind is ALWAYS on the go.
I know it’s not all bad. But when it is. It’s all of this. And more. It’s accepting that I will always need to work on a system to make my life work. It means constantly battling my brain to get things done. It’s about accepting that I’m sensitive, and because of this the overwhelm of just being, becomes unbearable. I am constantly making excuses for everyone else’s behaviour, yet I don’t give myself the same understanding and love and acceptance.
It’s been 2 years since I was diagnosed and I’m struggling now more than ever. And I despise that. When I first received my diagnosis I was thrilled that I could finally start to make sense of who I am! (T Rex arms is an ADHD trait?!!!)🦖 It was such a beautiful thing…I had no idea that it would be such a struggle to adapt and re learn everything that does and doesn’t work for me. I am angry at myself for being so self pitying…and I’m angry that at 38 years old I have to re learn how to cope and strategise in order to make my life easier for myself and everyone in it. I have to learn my triggers, and I am setting boundaries. I’m learning when to notice the signs of sensory overload and when I need to leave the room and take a breather before I hurt those around me with my sharp tongue. I’m learning that I’m allowed to have a break and say no. That if I need an hour or 2 to myself, I can do that as well. That resting is not equivalent to failure, and that my perception of success is my own, and it’s not going to look the same for everyone.
Every day I do a little bit more to get closer to my goals. And I’m constantly trying to convince myself that I’m enough. Deep down. I know I am. And then I have my wee firecracker of a son who asked the other day why I was upset. And when I tell him that everyone around me seems to be getting their businesses up and running before my eyes, and this should be me…he so wisely says ‘but mom, you don’t know how long it’s taken them…and you are doing so many other things too!’ And my husband chimes in and says ‘and you don’t know their financial situation, we’ve had no hand outs, all the money we earn is being put back in to the business..they might be getting financial help from parents or family…so of course it’s going to take us a bit more time.’ And both of them are absolutely right. Patience is again not a virtue I have. I want things done yesterday. And I also know that when I do succeed, and I will (!!)The rewards will be that much sweeter ❤️
In the meantime, I’ve been working on my garden. Planting seeds, painting the fence, digging, tending, and being. It brings me an overwhelming sense of peace, and joy, and lots of self love…and some back ache 😣 I’m creating a sanctuary that I can retreat to when I need to calm my mind and feed my soul. Because it can’t be all about work. Rest is vital. And balance is key! Something I’m learning that isn’t just for everyone else. I need it just as much…if not more than most 😮💨❤️
So Little Audrey’s will absolutely be on the road SHORTLY! We’re literally sorting out the van (it decided to die on us) and then I’ve just got to figure out where I’m going to be and I will let you guys know! And actually typing this out has made me inhale sharply. Because really, as soon as the van is fixed. Little Audrey’s is well and truly ready to take off 😳😅 Taking a break from cakes to get everything sorted has been tough but very much needed to get things moving. So watch this space!!!
Love and light my guys! Don’t forget to make a batch of my gorgeous Vegan Hot Cross Buns!! I’m making them this evening for my eldest…but substituting the raisins for chocolate chips of course 🥰