I am officially at burnout. It’s taken me a long time to realise it. Of course I’ve known I’ve been doing too much, and not sleeping enough, and all that jazz, but the last couple of weeks my work life has been relatively quiet. My husband has annual leave so I took that opportunity to not book as many cakes in. So I figured this much needed quiet time will do the world of good. Except now after 2 weeks of doing a lot of nothing much at all, the thought of ‘going back’ to work next week is giving me the most anxiety. I feel like I’m still needing so much more time off. I just don’t want to do anything. I’m slipping back in to this godawful depression and that scares the living shit out of me, but at the same time. I just don’t care. I’m just so tired.
Burnout is quite a regular occurrence with ADHD. But this time…this time feels like the time I was at my worst emotional and mental health 7 years ago. I see myself falling in to the same habits. Habits of just trying to survive. I’m not a napper. I wish I could be, but my mind and body doesn’t allow it. But today I slept for hours on the couch. I’ve burst in to tears for countless times in the last two days. I’m an incredibly emotional person, I get teary eyed over a lot of things, but there’s always a reason. So when I’m crying out of the blue and not being able to put a finger on the reason why, napping to get past the feelings…but then at the same time feeling the most amount of numbness, I definitely get worried.
It’s also a good chance to start getting back to meditating, to go within and do the soul work. And I’m really hopeful that this is the breaking point I need to get focused again. I was reading that burnout can last anywhere from 3 months to a year…if not more. I just can’t. The last serious burnout I had is not the place I want to be in again. It was a dark, and scary place to be. And I was there for a very long time. I’ve never ever in my life blacked out from drinking, but I know what people mean when they say that, because when I was at my lowest, there are times in that period that I actually can’t remember. There was no drink or medication involved, it was just my mind trying so hard to push the pain away. Fight or flight. This time though I think…I hope, that I have the tools to get past it without getting to that incredibly dark place.
But my bedroom will once again become my haven, my sacred space, and I’m going to focus on getting to that right frame of mind. I’m going to remember that work and money is not worth the mental anguish, and I’m going to work on my goals and dreams in my own time. I’m going to cry, and feel the hurt, and pain and emotional anguish of not feeling loved, and good enough. When I feel like life hasn’t been fair to me, I will embrace that too and release it knowing full well that these are the life lessons that I have to go through. And one day I might just fully accept that I don’t need to believe that I’m an awful person who deserves this mental anguish because of the awful things I do and have done. I will remind myself daily that I am enough, and it also means I really don’t need to let the little things get to me. Burnout can be a blessing in disguise. I’m thankful I can see that through the veil of darkness.
So please bare with me with I try to get back to messages, and emails, etc. Today I’ve been on the couch in my oversized hoodie and blanket, watching Disney plus and drinking copious amounts of tea ❤️ I see a lot of this happening in the near future…trying to give at least one fuck. Thank god for my friend Kerry who books Waggtails sessions for the dogs so I have to get my ass moving and out the door 😜
I think we all need to take a step back and reevaluate our lives every so often. Make sure we know what’s important. I don’t want money to be a factor in my everyday happiness. I don’t want that to control my thoughts daily. I have enough. I am blessed, and if I don’t have my health…what’s the point?!
In the next few weeks, I’m going to focus on creating my menu for Little Audrey’s. I’m going to try all the sandwich and panini recipes that I want to include, and all the bars and bakes that I’ve been collecting and creating in my head that I want to bring to life. Not because I have to, but because there’s still a lot of passion for baking and creating within me. And it’s time to bring that to the table now. It’s just time.
Love and Light my guys. And please feel free to let me know your favourite sandwiches and bakes. Inspire me! ❤️🙌🏻 x