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Burnout and Re evaluations

I am officially at burnout. It’s taken me a long time to realise it. Of course I’ve known I’ve been doing too much, and not sleeping enough, and all that jazz, but the last couple of weeks my work life has been relatively quiet. My husband has annual leave so I took that opportunity to not book as many cakes in. So I figured this much needed quiet time will do the world of good. Except now after 2 weeks of doing a lot of nothing much at all, the thought of ‘going back’ to work next week is giving me the most anxiety. I feel like I’m still needing so much more time off. I just don’t want to do anything. I’m slipping back in to this godawful depression and that scares the living shit out of me, but at the same time. I just don’t care. I’m just so tired.

Burnout is quite a regular occurrence with ADHD. But this time…this time feels like the time I was at my worst emotional and mental health 7 years ago. I see myself falling in to the same habits. Habits of just trying to survive. I’m not a napper. I wish I could be, but my mind and body doesn’t allow it. But today I slept for hours on the couch. I’ve burst in to tears for countless times in the last two days. I’m an incredibly emotional person, I get teary eyed over a lot of things, but there’s always a reason. So when I’m crying out of the blue and not being able to put a finger on the reason why, napping to get past the feelings…but then at the same time feeling the most amount of numbness, I definitely get worried.

It’s also a good chance to start getting back to meditating, to go within and do the soul work. And I’m really hopeful that this is the breaking point I need to get focused again. I was reading that burnout can last anywhere from 3 months to a year…if not more. I just can’t. The last serious burnout I had is not the place I want to be in again. It was a dark, and scary place to be. And I was there for a very long time. I’ve never ever in my life blacked out from drinking, but I know what people mean when they say that, because when I was at my lowest, there are times in that period that I actually can’t remember. There was no drink or medication involved, it was just my mind trying so hard to push the pain away. Fight or flight. This time though I think…I hope, that I have the tools to get past it without getting to that incredibly dark place.

But my bedroom will once again become my haven, my sacred space, and I’m going to focus on getting to that right frame of mind. I’m going to remember that work and money is not worth the mental anguish, and I’m going to work on my goals and dreams in my own time. I’m going to cry, and feel the hurt, and pain and emotional anguish of not feeling loved, and good enough. When I feel like life hasn’t been fair to me, I will embrace that too and release it knowing full well that these are the life lessons that I have to go through. And one day I might just fully accept that I don’t need to believe that I’m an awful person who deserves this mental anguish because of the awful things I do and have done. I will remind myself daily that I am enough, and it also means I really don’t need to let the little things get to me. Burnout can be a blessing in disguise. I’m thankful I can see that through the veil of darkness.

So please bare with me with I try to get back to messages, and emails, etc. Today I’ve been on the couch in my oversized hoodie and blanket, watching Disney plus and drinking copious amounts of tea ❤️ I see a lot of this happening in the near future…trying to give at least one fuck. Thank god for my friend Kerry who books Waggtails sessions for the dogs so I have to get my ass moving and out the door 😜

I think we all need to take a step back and reevaluate our lives every so often. Make sure we know what’s important. I don’t want money to be a factor in my everyday happiness. I don’t want that to control my thoughts daily. I have enough. I am blessed, and if I don’t have my health…what’s the point?!

In the next few weeks, I’m going to focus on creating my menu for Little Audrey’s. I’m going to try all the sandwich and panini recipes that I want to include, and all the bars and bakes that I’ve been collecting and creating in my head that I want to bring to life. Not because I have to, but because there’s still a lot of passion for baking and creating within me. And it’s time to bring that to the table now. It’s just time.

Love and Light my guys. And please feel free to let me know your favourite sandwiches and bakes. Inspire me! ❤️🙌🏻 x

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A Wee December Update, Christmas Hampers, and Candles!

So things have been really happening here at Cakes By Carrie-Anne and over at Donut Eat Bakery. Orders have been coming in thick and fast and it’s been exciting! I would usually use the word ‘overwhelming’ here but I’m not!! I started my new ADHD meds last week and it’s like I’m a different woman. The first couple of days were incredibly intense, I was like the energiser bunny! I couldn’t sit down. I powered through cake and candle orders. I deep cleaned my cake room and sorted out and reorganised my cake tool cupboard. I cleaned my house from top to bottom. I was exhausted physically but mentally I couldn’t stop.

A couple of nights ago it was my good friends 40th surprise party so I baked her a cake, plus 3 other orders I had, while Kyle worked on the Horsebox conversion 😍😍😍. These meds have really suppressed my appetite so I hadn’t realised that I hadn’t eaten all day. Maybe a slice of toast…I think. I made the mistake of having a couple of glasses of wine. (Not even!! I left half of the second on the table).Bad move! By 11pm I was at home trying to sleep but the room was spinning. There’s a reason you’re not meant to drink while taking these meds. Lesson learned my loves. Lesson learned 🙈. I’m even on decaf coffee now just to be on the safe side 😜

I’ve deleted my personal Facebook app, (which has helped immensely in terms of the overthinking and honestly it’s just great for my mental health overall. My mind although still all over the place…it’s just more manageable. All the things I overthought or just invested in way too much emotionally and mentally before…it’s like there’s this ‘I just don’t care’ button. But in a good way. Not a numb feeling per se..just a ‘if that’s how it’s/you’re going to be…I don’t care’ the universe has my back. I guess I’m just feeling the self love more. The whole, you can treat me like that..but I have the power to not let it affect me. It’s a pretty wonderful feeling. I’m still busy…but also. In a good way. I hate being busy when there’s no time for me. But lately. It’s been enjoyable. I’m getting goals done that generally take months, because now the ADHD paralysis is almost non existent. I feel like this diagnosis and the meds have saved my life. I’m not worried about the future, my finances, my goals and dreams. Because now. I feel like I can take on the world. And it’s nice. I’m content. And I’m super hopeful that this will last.

So all that being said 😜 I’m offering Christmas Treat boxes for collection on Christmas Eve. The hampers are £30 and will include 2 each of Stollen Bars, Brownies, Shortbread Cookies, Ginger Molasses Cookies, Biscoff Stuffed Cookies, Mince Pies, Sticky Toffee Cupcakes, Rocky Road, Hot Chocolate Bombs, and a wee jar of caramel sauce. I’m also offering my GORGEOUS Pumpkin Spice Cinnamon Roll Boxes for £10 for a box of 6. These are a favourite with my coworkers and they’ve all agreed that I absolutely need to add these to my list of Christmas treats! So I just did 😝 All vegan too of course! If you’re not local, I also have lots of candles available over at Donut Eat Bakery or on my Etsy Shop . If you are local, give me a shout if you prefer to collect and avoid postage charges! There’s a scent for everyone and they make great wee stocking fillers, and secret Santa pressies! Not long now my guys. So get those orders in.

Pumpkin Spice cinnamon rolls with a luscious vegan cream cheese icing!
My most popular candle by far! I can’t keep them in stock! Milk and Cookies Candle with 3 wax melt cookies 🍪

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Inner peace and the Horsebox conversion! Squeeee!

These past few months have been touch mentally and emotionally for me. Being diagnosed with ADHD was a huge relief yet also quite heartbreaking. It dawned on me that this is disorder that can’t be cured only maintained so to speak. That kinda terrified me, and it put me in a right weird and dark place. I felt unmotivated, burnt out and just sad.

A few years back when I was going through the Dark night of my soul, I got very intimate with the writing and teachings of authors like Wayne Dyer, Brian Weiss, and like minded writers. These books impacted my life in a huge way. I was starting to feel at peace with my soul, peace with who I wanted to be and who I am, and I was in a state of euphoria. I started to fully surrender to the universe, and things were really starting to look up, my life was good!! So I stopped reading the books, I stopped meditating on a daily basis, stopped taking naps, and eventually just stopped practicing this life that worked so well for me. Because I was fine now! What an absolute idiot…we all know that maintenance is key…for every aspect of our lives. You want your car to run well? Maintenance….your garden to look nice and kept?! maintenance..so why did I think that my life didn’t need to be treated the same🙄🙈

My favourite book of Wayne Dyer is ‘Your Sacred Self; making the decision to be free’ I read it over and over when I was in that very dark place, I’ve bought countless copies and given them to people who I think would get some peace from his work. Then I struggled to get hold of it. I tried to order one a few months back, and the book never arrived. I was worried, because I felt I NEEDED this book back in my life in a bad way. But I left it, then a few nights ago when I was really feeling those awful thoughts creeping in, I managed to find a copy on eBay. It arrived on my birthday. The timing was perfect.

I picked it up last night after a particular emotional few days and I started reading and within minutes, all the words I had almost memorised a few year back, spoke to me in the exact same way. And I felt that feeling of bliss again. The feeling of surrendering to the universe, knowing that everything works in divine timing. Ego is left behind, forgiveness is more easily given, and all the fear, worry, self pity, jealousy, anger etc is left behind. It made me realise that these last few years I’ve forgotten who I endeavoured to be. I want to be free of all these emotions that just weigh me down.

So I unsent messages that don’t serve a higher purpose, you know the needy kind that you feel you need to validate your feelings and emotions? Nope. I’m done being treated like shit. I started forgiving people, forgiving myself, sending everyone all the love I could muster, and just RE realised that only love is real. And we all have a journey, and we don’t need to understand everyone’s life journey. We just need to accept it for what it is. As long as I’m doing the least amount of harm to someone, I will remember who I am, why I’m here. And I will invite spirituality in to my life whole heartedly once again. Of course this will be a work in progress, but I’m definitely trying everyday. And so far so good. That dark cloud has passed, and I’m confident that it won’t return to this level for some time! Because I’m going to do ALLL the maintenance work. Trust in the universe, trust in the process, and everything else will take care of itself ❤️

So I got back to focusing on my Horsebox conversion. I worked on my birthday and I was feeling so shit about just everything, and I asked Kyle that all I wanted was for him to start work on the trailer. And bless is heart, when I got home, he’d got the flooring all laid down and the frame was looking fab! He’s so hard on himself but he did an excellent job! Seeing his progress gave me all the feels again and got me so motivated to get my wee cafe up and running. I’m still working on names my guys! I do want to keep ‘Cakes By Carrie-Anne’ in there….but added something to it? What do you think?! Let me know!!!

I’m off to go buy all the wee bits and bobs that I’m still missing, like the sink, syrup pumps, tongs, milk pitchers etc. Exciting times my loves! I’ll keep you posted on ALLLL the wee updates

Allll the light and love my guys! And be kind. Always be kind. Sometimes our actions cause so much hurt without us even realising…and it’s not ok. We need to do better xx

C x

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Dealing with ADD and forgotten cakes…and crazy scary off days

I can’t even begin to tell you the relief I feel just being diagnosed with ADHD. It’s a sense of understanding why I am the way I am…but at the same time, it’s a bit soul destroying as well. Because my brain doesn’t work the same as everyone else’s. It’s a disorder that there is no cure for, and that’s fucking frightening…it means at my age, it’s not going to be something I just grow out of anymore…in fact, I feel like it’s been getting more out of hand in the last few years. And that’s just not ok.

I’ve been reading more about the disorder, and it’s been enlightening to say the least. I was in the bath a few days ago and found myself brushing away tears while reading because of how understood I felt. Finally. The anxiety and depression I felt, stemmed from never understanding why my brain was always in overdrive, why most of my friends just seemed to live life in a somewhat organised manner, but everything in mine was just constant chaos amid feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness, and that I just didn’t fit in with everyone else. The self deprecation just comes naturally and although deep down I know how fabulous I am….it takes a LOT to get past that mental block. It’s no wonder. I failed Grade 9 (Second year in the U.K.) math THREE times. And it’s because I had no interest in it whatsoever. I could real the equation a hundred times over and my eyes would gloss over and I’d be thinking of something else. I don’t ask for directions anymore. When I do, as soon as the person starts talking I just start nodding and saying yes, I know where you mean (do I fuck!) but now there’s no asking them again because I know unless they write it down…I will never know where I’m going.

A tidy room?! Not gonna happen. Well I mean, it does, and no matter how much I want it to stay that way. It’s not going to last. I know this. My husband knows this. It’s infuriating to say the least. The sigh’s, the look of disappointment and anxiety that I cause everyone around me. It’s hard for me to deal with. I take it extremely personally. I’m sick of this disorder affecting my life in such a huge way.

My days turn to shit when I get distracted so easily, one chore leads to the next unfinished chore. Piles of unswept dirt around the house because I’ve gotten distracted going to get the dustpan, children’s school forms never handed in because I keep putting it off, wedding cakes forgotten…oh yeah my guys. This was the big wake up call for me. I’ve still not recovered from this mentally and it happened last weekend. I FORGOT a wedding cake. I knew I had one coming up…but it wasn’t in my diary…and I get that dreaded message…. ‘Have you delivered the cake yet’…ummmmmm. I hustled. I panicked, I almost threw up. Then I baked the cakes. Thankfully one tier was fruit cake…I knew this, so remarkably unlike me, I had baked the cake weeks before…so I had only 2 tiers to make…I had some dummy tiers thankfully in my cupboard…the rest were in storage and there was no way I was going to be able to get them down by myself…so I decorated them, plus the fruit cake while the real cakes were baking. I was working on pure adrenaline. I felt so sick, embarrassed, ashamed, mortified, literally all those feels. I managed to get the cake to the venue, explained my ridiculously unprofessional dilemma to the staff, sent an apology to the bride (not a bridezilla thankfully) and then I got home, and frosted the real cakes and delivered to the venue before the cake was due to be served. So all in all it all worked out…but that’s not the point. The point is this SHOULD’NT happen. This was my breaking point. This is the point where I question ‘what even is the point of living with this constant torture, anxiety and mental frustration. This was the day that I really questioned leaving it all behind…and I haven’t felt that way in 6 months or more. I start my meds next week, so I am hopeful.

I also started a new fitness routine. Exercise is supposed to be a HUGE benefit for people with ADHD…but that it also a vicious cycle in itself…because I get obsessive, and if I eat one ‘wrong’ thing…I need to start back at square one. It’s an 8 week butt camp, just from home. I’ve meal prepped, I’m exercising, and I’m drinking far too much water in my opinion. My accountability partner is ghosting me so that’s made me feel even more unimportant and sad but such is life right? 😒

So now I’m laying in my room, whenever I have these relapses. Candles and incense lit, tidy room, sacred space, safe haven…meditating, journaling, and making me a priority. Because if I don’t…then who will? 🤷🏻‍♀️ but also my guys…ADHD has so many benefits too. Most people with it are very creative, artistic, and inventive thinkers. So there’s always a positive. Just struggling to see it at the moment…that’s all…this too shall pass.

Love and light my guys. We’ll get there.

C xx