I can’t even begin to tell you the relief I feel just being diagnosed with ADHD. It’s a sense of understanding why I am the way I am…but at the same time, it’s a bit soul destroying as well. Because my brain doesn’t work the same as everyone else’s. It’s a disorder that there is no cure for, and that’s fucking frightening…it means at my age, it’s not going to be something I just grow out of anymore…in fact, I feel like it’s been getting more out of hand in the last few years. And that’s just not ok.
I’ve been reading more about the disorder, and it’s been enlightening to say the least. I was in the bath a few days ago and found myself brushing away tears while reading because of how understood I felt. Finally. The anxiety and depression I felt, stemmed from never understanding why my brain was always in overdrive, why most of my friends just seemed to live life in a somewhat organised manner, but everything in mine was just constant chaos amid feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness, and that I just didn’t fit in with everyone else. The self deprecation just comes naturally and although deep down I know how fabulous I am….it takes a LOT to get past that mental block. It’s no wonder. I failed Grade 9 (Second year in the U.K.) math THREE times. And it’s because I had no interest in it whatsoever. I could real the equation a hundred times over and my eyes would gloss over and I’d be thinking of something else. I don’t ask for directions anymore. When I do, as soon as the person starts talking I just start nodding and saying yes, I know where you mean (do I fuck!) but now there’s no asking them again because I know unless they write it down…I will never know where I’m going.
A tidy room?! Not gonna happen. Well I mean, it does, and no matter how much I want it to stay that way. It’s not going to last. I know this. My husband knows this. It’s infuriating to say the least. The sigh’s, the look of disappointment and anxiety that I cause everyone around me. It’s hard for me to deal with. I take it extremely personally. I’m sick of this disorder affecting my life in such a huge way.
My days turn to shit when I get distracted so easily, one chore leads to the next unfinished chore. Piles of unswept dirt around the house because I’ve gotten distracted going to get the dustpan, children’s school forms never handed in because I keep putting it off, wedding cakes forgotten…oh yeah my guys. This was the big wake up call for me. I’ve still not recovered from this mentally and it happened last weekend. I FORGOT a wedding cake. I knew I had one coming up…but it wasn’t in my diary…and I get that dreaded message…. ‘Have you delivered the cake yet’…ummmmmm. I hustled. I panicked, I almost threw up. Then I baked the cakes. Thankfully one tier was fruit cake…I knew this, so remarkably unlike me, I had baked the cake weeks before…so I had only 2 tiers to make…I had some dummy tiers thankfully in my cupboard…the rest were in storage and there was no way I was going to be able to get them down by myself…so I decorated them, plus the fruit cake while the real cakes were baking. I was working on pure adrenaline. I felt so sick, embarrassed, ashamed, mortified, literally all those feels. I managed to get the cake to the venue, explained my ridiculously unprofessional dilemma to the staff, sent an apology to the bride (not a bridezilla thankfully) and then I got home, and frosted the real cakes and delivered to the venue before the cake was due to be served. So all in all it all worked out…but that’s not the point. The point is this SHOULD’NT happen. This was my breaking point. This is the point where I question ‘what even is the point of living with this constant torture, anxiety and mental frustration. This was the day that I really questioned leaving it all behind…and I haven’t felt that way in 6 months or more. I start my meds next week, so I am hopeful.
I also started a new fitness routine. Exercise is supposed to be a HUGE benefit for people with ADHD…but that it also a vicious cycle in itself…because I get obsessive, and if I eat one ‘wrong’ thing…I need to start back at square one. It’s an 8 week butt camp, just from home. I’ve meal prepped, I’m exercising, and I’m drinking far too much water in my opinion. My accountability partner is ghosting me so that’s made me feel even more unimportant and sad but such is life right? 😒
So now I’m laying in my room, whenever I have these relapses. Candles and incense lit, tidy room, sacred space, safe haven…meditating, journaling, and making me a priority. Because if I don’t…then who will? 🤷🏻♀️ but also my guys…ADHD has so many benefits too. Most people with it are very creative, artistic, and inventive thinkers. So there’s always a positive. Just struggling to see it at the moment…that’s all…this too shall pass.
Love and light my guys. We’ll get there.
C xx
